Q: What is a “FAQ List”, anyway?
A: “FAQ” stands for Frequently Asked Questions. This list gives answers to some of them.
Q: So, people have really asked you these questions?
A: No, actually I made most of them up. You see, I’m anticipating all those questions that I expect to be getting, now that I’m famous.
Q: Wow, you’re famous?!
A: No. Next question, please?
Q: What is “Zoidland”?
A: The name of my comic strip. It follows the life and times of Zoid, Mitch, Scrappy and Jane.
Q: Why “Zoid”?
A: “Ziggy” and “Dilbert” were already taken.
Q: Why don’t you put up a new strip daily?
A: Well, until the magical money monkey slaps me silly with greenbacks, I’ve still gotta work for a living. Plus, I’ve got a family, friends, and a very persnickety cat to take care of. Life’s busy, you know?
Q: “Magical money monkey”?
A: I like alliteration.
Q: So, when do you update it?
A: I usually try to do it Monday evenings. Although, the occasional Sunday afternoon or Saturday special isn’t unheard of… Hmmm…mebbe I should amend that part above about having a busy life, since it sounds like I don’t have much of a life at all, huh?
Q: How come there’s usually no color in your comics?
A: Well, seeing as a significant portion of my initial audience (namely me) was colorblind, I wanted to be sensitive to all those who had a similar malady. That, and using the paint bucket on the online comic gets blue and chartreuse all over the keyboard.
Q: Wait, you’re colorblind? Does that mean, like, you see only black and white? I mean, like, how do you drive, what with yellow lines and green’n'yellow’n'red traffic lights? Or what about kindergarten? Were you, like, held back or something ’cause you couldn’t play the color game? And, hey, what if you were in one of those movies where there’s a bomb that’s gonna go off and you’re the only guy around, but you had this techie guy on the phone guiding you, and the techie guy was all like, “Cut the blue wire, but do NOT cut the red wire!” Would you be all, like, flustered’n'stuff ’cause you couldn’t tell the difference?
A: No. No, I wouldn’t. And you used the word “like” too much in your question.
Q: Which one of the characters is most like you?
A: Uh, none, since: 1) I have a forehead, B) I don’t wear precisely the same clothes day-in, day-out, and most importantly, III) I ain’t a cartoon!
Q: Wow, a little touchy, huh? Just like Jane!
A: (…sigh…) If you really want to know, I kind of have vaguely similar looks to Mitch, personality of Zoid, and the general nerdiness of Jane. Scrappy is an amalgam of everything I’m not.
Q: “Amalgam?” Wow, you really are nerdy like Jane!
Q: So, do you actually like scrapple?
A: I make it a personal rule not to eat anything that has the word “crap” in it.
Q: What about soy milk?
A: I have been known to partake frequently, although you gotta be careful with the stuff. This one time, we had let it sit out too long, and I woke up the next morning at a macrobiotic farm in Vermont, wearing a very nice little burlap number. I tell ya, when soybeans go bad, they go bad…
Q: What does “eponymous” mean?
A: According to Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 10th Edition (Springfield, MA, 1993):
epon·y·mous adj (1846) : of, relating to, or being an eponym
Question asked, question answered. See how accomodating I can be?
Q: How do you get to be a professional comic strip artist?
A: I dunno. Re-read the question above about magical money monkeys slapping me silly. Right now, I’ll just shoot for “occasionally amusing niche-level doodler”.
Q: Aww, but I think your stuff’s really good!
A: You forgot to phrase your answer in the form of a question.
Q: Oh, um…what if I think your stuff’s really good?
A: First, thanks. Second, why not start a fan club? One that donates heavily to the source of your amusement. Let me know when your next convention is.
Q: Can I print out your strip and post it in my classroom/give it to my fiancee/bow to it three times a day?
A: As of this writing, go ahead. I’m releasing my comics under a Creative Commons license, meaning you can reprint and repost to your heart’s content. Just please be kind and honorable and make sure that I get credit for it, and you don’t go messing about with the comics themselves. I put a lot of thought and time into these strips, so the least you could do is acknowledge my effort. Also, feel free to email me with formal requests. Please note that this policy may change if I find it’s been abused. Don’t screw it up for everybody else. Thanks.
Q: What is the meaning of life, and why were we put on this earth?
A: Sorry, wrong room. You want the “Forlorn Philosopher’s Foundation” in room 4.
Q: More of that alliteration stuff, right?
A: You got it.
Q: Hey, I just Googled you out of curiosity. Are you the Jeff who (blah, blah, blah)?
A: To save time, here’s a quick run-down:
- …used to post on a blog called The Light’s On…? Yes, that’s me.
- …is a Sales Representative for Harcourt Religion Publishers? No.
- …took a lot of photos of Alaska? (wistful sigh) Nope.
- …is the CEO for NMV, The Marketing Firm, Inc.? Think about that one really hard.
- …is apparently a rather rude poster on the tech website Slashdot.org? Although I do love that website, no, I’m quite happy to say that wasn’t me.
- …is a member of the Ohio Hampshire Association of pig breeders? Despite the frequent scrapple references, definitely not.
- …works for the Fort Wayne Police Department? (chortle, chortle) Er, no.
Um…lemme shorten this up by saying, unless your question involves Shippensburg, Lititz, Pennsylvania, Messiah College, Hosanna Christian Fellowship, D&E Communications, or Lancaster County, the answer is probably not. And even then, it’s kinda iffy. Apparently, I’ve got a popular name. Go figure.
Q: Do you ever update this list of questions and answers?
A: C’mon…if you’re going to surf the web, at least get used to the lingo. It’s called a FAQ.
Q: Okay, okay. Sheesh. So do you?
Q: How much longer is this “FAQ”-thing going to be?
A: Not much.